Many moms believe being hard on themselves is the engine that drives good parenting, productivity, and accountability. But research on self-compassion shows the opposite: harsh self-talk often creates a shame spiral that clouds thinking, drains energy, and keeps you stuck. When your inner critic takes over, you may replay mistakes, label yourself a “bad mom,” and lose access to the calm, values-based decisions you actually want to make. The goal is not to lower standards or ignore problems. The goal is to build resilience, emotional regulation, and steady leadership at home by replacing self-attack with a kinder and more effective approach. In this episode, we look into one of the most misunderstood and most resisted skills in the work of building resilience: self-compassion. I hear the resistance all the time — “that sounds like letting myself off the hook” — and I want to challenge it directly with what the actual research shows. We talk about what self-compassion is and isn’t, why the inner critic isn’t the accountability tool we think it is.
What You Will Learn On This Episode
- Self-compassion isn’t about lowering your standards or letting yourself off the hook — it’s accountability without cruelty, and those are very different things.
- Research shows that people with higher self-compassion are more motivated after failure, not less, and take more personal responsibility because they’re not caught in a shame spiral.
- Shame and guilt feel similar but have completely different outcomes — shame loops and makes us want to hide, while guilt moves us toward repair.
- A simple body-based practice — one hand on your chest and one slow breath — activates the same soothing response as being comforted by someone you trust, making it a regulation tool, not a distraction.
- The gap between what you would offer a struggling friend and what you offer yourself is one of the most important things to notice — and closing that gap is where the work begins.
Transcript
Welcome back to our Leadership Parenting podcast. Did you hear what the title of our podcast is today? It is How to Stop Being So Hard on Yourself. I already know what some of you are thinking when I say that title. I’ve heard it for 30 years. This sounds like letting ourselves off the hook, right? Being hard on myself, I’m not too hard on myself. I’m just doing what’s needed to be done so that I could be the mom I need to be. I don’t have time to feel sorry for myself. I need to fix the problem. Or maybe it’s just a quiet, deep-seated belief that when we’re hard on ourselves, when you’re hard on yourself, it’s what keeps you accountable. That if you go easy on yourself, that maybe you’ll slack off too much. You’ll stop trying. Well, I want to look at every one of those beliefs today because the research says something very different. Self-compassion doesn’t make you soft, it makes you steady. And steady is exactly what parenting needs from us.
I sat with a mom who was one of the most committed, loving, hardworking moms I’ve ever known. She came in after a really difficult week and spent most of the session describing what a failure she was. Like not just what went wrong that week, but what was wrong with her. And the inner critic literally was taking the lead and she was merciless. And what I noticed as I was sitting with her, because you know what I usually do is I let people talk. I don’t want to stop them because I feel like we kind of sometimes, it’s like when you have food poisoning and you’ve got to get it out, right? You’ve just got to throw it all up. And so I let people go for a while because I feel like we have enough people around us that don’t want to hear it. And so if you have somebody that will let you just kind of throw up a little bit about what it is you’re feeling, you’re very fortunate. And if you don’t, I have an exercise for you to do this because we need to get it out where we can see it, where we can hear it. And a lot of times when a woman will just start talking about how she’s feeling and all of the things going on in her head, another thing will happen. She’ll start to hear it with another set of ears. So anyway, I was letting this mom talk. Okay. And what I noticed as I was sitting with her, and the minutes were ticking by, was that all of the self-criticism, it wasn’t moving her toward anything. It was just keeping her like cycling in this loop. She couldn’t think clearly about what to do differently because she was so deep in this criticism and this shame to really see the situation. And I think at some point she stopped and just kind of paused. And that’s the pause that comes after you’ve been really able to get it all out. She cocked her head a little bit and she looked at me like, I’m not getting anywhere, am I? And I just, you know, I just wanted to kind of send her a hug and say, I know, you’re not, but that’s okay because I get stuck in that too. We all know what that loop feels like.
And this is the thing about self-criticism that I don’t think we understand until we start looking at it and looking for it, is that it feels mandatory. It feels like it’s important for us to do. It’s like it’s caring, right? It feels like we’re taking things really seriously. But there’s an important distinction between being accountable and being responsible and cruelty. And a lot of us, I think, have confused them. And cruelty, that’s a big word. I know it carries a lot of meanness and like the intention is to do harm. I’m not saying that we wake up with an intention to do harm, but the voice that comes from our self-critic, it is super cruel. And so I think we need a remedy for this. We need something that’s an alternative because if it’s cruel and it’s not useful, it’s not really, the research shows it doesn’t really help us, then we need something instead.
And that something is compassion. So let’s start with what that actually is, because I think the resistance mostly comes from a misunderstanding of what it is we’re talking about. So, Dr. Kristin Neff, you’ve heard me talk about her before. She is the leading researcher on the topic of self-compassion. She’s done more work on it than almost anyone in the field. And she defines it as having three components. The first is self-kindness, where you treat yourself with some basic warmth that you would extend to a good friend or somebody that you loved. And I always kind of chuckle when we say that. Like, is it possible to treat ourselves like we are somebody that we care about? That is a silly question, kind of when you look at it objectively, but not so silly when you think about what it is like in actual application. Because I just don’t think we’re really great at this. A lot of times I think showing ourselves kindness, it equals to us something like excusing the things we’re struggling with or pretending that they aren’t there or something like that. And we’re not doing any of that. We’re just offering some basic gentleness and kindness to ourselves.
The second component that she’s identified is what she calls common humanity, which means that all of us know what it’s like to suffer or to have failure or to feel like we’re falling short, to have that sense that we’re feeling some criticism of ourselves and that that’s part of a shared human experience. So she calls that common humanity. It’s kind of a funny way to say that, but these are her words. And the truth is that you are not the only mom who’s lost her temper, or the only one that has ever forgotten something or felt like you just didn’t live up to the thing you wanted to do. It doesn’t mean that something’s wrong with you. You are in a very large, very wonderful group of women, moms, where we all know what that feels like.
The third component she identifies is mindfulness, where you’re able to just hold your painful thoughts and feelings in awareness rather than pushing them down or getting swept away by them, running away with them. Just seeing clearly that you’re having this experience, this harshness or this discomfort without over-identifying with it. Do you know what over-identifying means? That means that you make the feelings that you’re feeling be who you are. And the truth is, you guys, we all have feelings and we all have thoughts, and it doesn’t define who we are. The day that I really understood that, and I think I studied it for years before the light bulb went on for me. And I was like, wait, hold on. I can have all these thoughts and all these feelings, and none of it creates my identity, none of it reflects my identity. They’re just feelings and thoughts that I’m having. So that’s called cognitive flexibility as opposed to rigidity, right? Where we aren’t defined or over-identifying with those thoughts and feelings.
So those three things — self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Notice what’s not in that definition. There’s no mention of lowering your standards, no permission that you stop trying, no wallowing in the difficulty, kind of making yourself feel like you’re weak or incompetent. Self-compassion is not the absence of accountability, it’s accountability without cruelty. And those are very different things. And the difference matters enormously.
We as moms are often the most compassionate people in the room for everyone except ourselves. We’ll extend extraordinary patience to our kids, our partners, our friends, and then turn around and speak to ourselves in a way that we would not tolerate if someone spoke to our friend that way. Have you noticed that? It’s not even that it has to happen all the time. The better I get at being kind and self-compassionate and thoughtful for myself, the stronger I get at this. But every once in a while, my inner critic rears up, takes the mic, and just lets me have it. And in those moments, it’s very clear the gap between what I offer other people and what I sometimes offer myself.
There are real reasons why this happens to us. Many of us grew up in environments where self-criticism was modeled as the path to improvement, right? Where being hard on yourself means you care, where softness feels like weakness and resting is lazy. Those messages sometimes seep in early and they run deep. Sometimes it can feel like being compassionate to ourselves is a slippery slope, that if we stop criticizing, we’re going to stop improving. But Neff’s research directly contradicts this. She finds that people higher in self-compassion are more motivated after failure, not less. And that makes so much more sense because failure doesn’t mean so much pain. Things that are painful, we try to avoid. Being hard on ourselves is painful. And when we let go the idea of being hard on ourselves means that we care, then we can make mistakes and then love ourselves through the mistakes and try again rather than avoid it or just assume that we’re going to mess up again. It makes us more willing to try again. We take more responsibility, not less, because our energy is available. We’re not spending all of our energy in a shame spiral.
Speaking of shame spirals, Brené Brown’s research on shame adds a whole other layer to this that I think is really important. She finds that shame is a deep sense of being fundamentally flawed or not enough, and that it halts our growth. It makes us want to hide. It makes us pull back and not try. And so let’s just clarify the difference between shame and guilt because I think sometimes in our English language, we hold those two words to mean the same thing. And shame is very different than guilt. Guilt is taking accountability for something that we did that we feel bad about and that can be corrected, that we need to apologize for or repair. Shame comes because we feel like we are the problem. So guilt says, I did something wrong. Shame says, I am wrong. I am the thing that is wrong. And they feel similar from the inside, but they have very different outcomes.
Can you see that’s happening with your kids? One great takeaway from our conversation today for parenting is that when you talk to your kids about the mistakes that they make or the things that they need to change in their behavior, make sure that we keep it focused on their behavior and be specific. Hitting your sister is not safe and not kind rather than what’s wrong with you that you hit your sister. Kids internalize messages about being bad people when what we’re really talking about is the behavior isn’t appropriate or isn’t safe or is quote unquote bad behavior. So we want kids to feel guilt for bad behavior. We don’t want them to feel shame for who they are, that they are bad. Sometimes it’s easier to see this concept with our children. And then I want you to take it and turn it toward you, how it’s working for you as an adult.
Self-compassion works with guilt and helps us move through it and be responsible and repair, right? We see it all the way through. I acknowledge I did something wrong. I’m going to repair it, and then I’m going to move forward. And honestly, I’m going to be better for it. I’m going to be stronger. I’m going to learn from it. Shame, it just loops. There isn’t a resolve because the problem isn’t the bad behavior. The problem is that I’m bad. And the truth is, you’re not bad. And neither is your kid. Neither is anyone. Our identity is separate from what we think, what we feel, and what we do. Those are all workable. Your identity is protected. So shame doesn’t move us forward. It loops us in this irrational, painful place. And so important we get free of it. Most of the self-criticism that we carry, I think, is actually shame, not guilt. Even when it sounds specific, even when it sounds like it’s something about what we did.
So let me try to make this concrete because self-compassion as a concept is really easy to agree with, and I think a little bit harder to see what it looks like put into practice. So let’s say you lose your temper with your child. Maybe you got more angry than the situation called for, and you know it. And so here’s what the inner critic sounds like. I’m such a bad mom. I keep doing this. My kids are going to be in therapy because of me. I can’t get this right. Now, here’s what self-compassion sounds like. That was hard. I was at my limit. I didn’t handle it the way I wanted to. This happens to parents. I can repair this. Which one of those two options makes you want to stay and work on the relationship with your child?
The first one is all about our identity and our character. And it kind of feels like it’s set in stone. I’m such a bad mom. It’s hard to break free of that. We’ve got to find all this evidence on how I’m a good mom to counter being a bad mom. And yet we’re looking at something that we want to change. I lost my temper. I want to be calmer and manage my emotions better. So it’s really hard for me to just let that all go and say, I’m a great mom. There’s nothing wrong here. My conscience, my value system, my desire leads me to want to repair this and make a change and grow from it. But unless I apply some self-compassion, shame is going to get all tied up in my character. And it’s hard to change an absolute when we say something like, I am a bad mom. The decision is already made. How are you going to change that? It’s so discouraging, so demoralizing. It saps the energy from us. And I think it’s coming from really wanting to love our kids and do right by them, but it’s the wrong approach. Self-compassion keeps you present, accountable, and then able to do something, do something useful, like go back to your child and repair the moment, apologize, and then try again. That’s a great thing to model for kids, by the way, right? So this is exactly what I mean when I say self-compassion is a parenting skill, not just a wellness concept for you. Because it’s very, very hard for us to repair what we’re too ashamed to look at. And it’s hard to stay present with our kids when our inner world is like a war zone, and we can’t teach our kids how to handle their own mistakes with grace when we’re not modeling that. We’re having a hard time doing it ourselves.
So Neff offers a practice that sounds almost too simple when you first hear it, but I’ve watched it work in real time and it’s super basic. So don’t be deceived by how simple this is. When you’re in a hard moment, try saying something simple like this. This is a hard moment. I give myself kindness right now. Now you don’t have to use those exact words. I think when Kristin Neff says it, she says, this is a moment of suffering in a very dramatic way. And she says, suffering’s a part of life. And may I give myself the kindness I need right now. So whatever words you use, we’re acknowledging what’s real and we’re connecting it next to common humanity. I’m not the only one that knows what this feels like. If you ever wonder if you’re the only one, ask a friend if she ever gets hard on herself or feels bad for things that she wishes she had done differently. You’ll find out very quickly you’re not the only one. And then turn towards yourself with something other than criticism, even if it’s just acceptance, knowing that this parenting is hard and it’s okay. I’m learning as I go.
Here’s another version I use regularly with the moms I work with that’s even simpler. When you’re in the middle of a hard moment, ask yourself, what would I say to my best friend if she was going through this exact thing right now? And then just say that to yourself. Not a lesser version of it, but the actual thing. You know, we intuitively know that if someone we love is going through this kind of painful shame cycle, that when we offer them something stabilizing, like, I see you, I love you, it’s gonna be okay. I don’t know about you, but when someone’s really struggling, I usually share with them, I did the same thing last week, or I’ve been there, I know it’s not you. This is just hard. It calms them down, doesn’t it? It helps them feel not alone and it helps their nervous system calm down.
Because this connects directly to our nervous system, that’s why self-compassion isn’t soft. It’s being what I like to call strategic. When we’re in a shame spiral, our threat response gets turned on because we are being attacked by ourselves. And the downstairs brain, right? That’s that part that watches for danger and turns on our fight or flight in our body, all of that autonomic nervous system stuff. That part’s running survival. It’s not reasoning, it’s in charge during that time. And we can’t think clearly, we can’t problem solve then. We can’t access all the values and the things that are thoughtful for us as parents that we want to do. But when you walk through these very small steps of self-compassion, it reduces the threat signal. Just like when you talk to your friend and you tell her, I’m here, you’re not alone, I love you, it’s gonna be okay. When you say those same things to yourself, your body calms down and it creates the internal conditions where your learning and your repair is actually possible. The body just settles and your mind clears. And from that place, you can actually see what happened and what you want to do differently.
I want you to think about how you might start teaching this concept to your kids. I know it could be hard if you can’t do it for yourself very well, it can be hard to teach it to your kids. Or you might have it the opposite way. You might feel more comfortable teaching it to your kids and think, I just never thought of giving it to myself. But isn’t this the most beautiful part of parenting? That as we’re raising our children and loving our children and having these very noble and beautiful values and goals that we have for our kids, we also benefit from this light and this buoyancy that comes with wanting our children to have the very best. You guys, we should tether ourselves to that. The things that you’re teaching your kids are the very things that we need ourselves.
Try placing a hand on your chest and taking one slow breath when you notice that harsh inner voice getting loud. Just that small physical gesture, just that hand on your chest, that contact, that warmth, it gives the same soothing response as someone comforting you, somebody you trust, putting a hand on your shoulder and just loving you through it. Why can’t the person be us that loves us through it?
And what I want to propose to you is that self-compassion is not a feeling that arrives, right? That you’re looking for that feeling, especially when you need it. It’s actually a skill that you’re building, that you have to practice the same way you build any other skill, which means we practice it when things are small, hopefully, when they’re not so hard before things do get big and things do get hard. So this week, I want to give you one entry point that’s small, a small practice. At the end of each day, instead of only reviewing what you did wrong, which most of us kind of often do automatically, just add one question. What was hard today? And can I look for any times that I treated myself with kindness in the middle of that hard? Now, when you first ask yourself that question, you might not have any times that you can remember where you did show yourself some kindness or some compassion. And that’s okay. That’s just information. But if you’re thinking about that every day, your brain starts to prepare to give you something to find. When that night you’re gonna be asking, was there any time that when I was going through something hard, I showed myself some gentleness or some compassion? You’re not looking for perfect, you’re just noticing.
I still do this. I still catch my inner critic. Sometimes it’s mid-sentence, sometimes it’s after she’s been yammering at me. I still have to ask myself, what would I say to my friend or my daughter? And then offer it to myself. So I don’t think it’s work that we ever finish doing. It’s just a practice. And here’s what I know from the research and from my own experience working with women. The moms who recover most quickly from their hardest moments, who repair most effectively with their children, who stay most connected to themselves and to what they value, they are not the ones who are the hardest on themselves. They are the ones who’ve learned to be honest and kind at the same time. That combination, honesty and kindness turned inward is what resilience actually is based on.
You are allowed to be human in your own parenting. You are allowed to struggle without it meaning you’re failing. And you are allowed to treat yourself with the same grace and kindness you so readily extend to everyone else. That’s not weakness. That’s how you stay in it for the long haul and come through all of these difficult years okay. This is not our last episode on self-compassion. We all need these reminders. Please give yourself a little love this week. I’m so grateful for my time with you. I’ll talk to you next time. Take care.
If you feel like these ideas really speak to you, but you’re not sure how to actually apply them in your own life, I want you to know you don’t have to do it alone. I’m currently opening a few one-to-one coaching spots for moms who are ready to go deeper and get personalized support as they build their own resilience. This is where we take everything we talk about here and we tailor it to your life, your story, your goals. If that sounds like something you’re craving, just head to leighgermann.com and click on one-to-one coaching. We’ll set up a free call to talk about where you are, where you want to be, and whether coaching is the right next step for you.
The Leadership Parenting Podcast is for general information purposes only. It is not therapy and should not take the place of meeting with a qualified mental health professional. The information on this podcast is not intended to diagnose or treat any condition, illness, or disease. It’s also not intended to be legal, medical, or therapeutic advice. Please consult your doctor or mental health professional for your individual circumstances. Thanks again and take care.