Perfectionism in motherhood doesn’t usually show up as pressure to be flawless — it shows up as a quiet, constant feeling that you’re never quite doing enough.
In this episode of the Leadership Parenting Podcast, I talk about how a healthy desire to be a good mom can slowly turn into self-criticism, second-guessing, and exhaustion — and why so many capable, loving moms feel like they’re falling short even when they’re showing up every day.
We explore how perfectionism sneaks into your thoughts, your reactions, and even the way you interpret your child’s behavior. I walk you through how this mindset steals joy, turns parenting into a performance, and keeps you stuck in self-judgment instead of growth.
Most importantly, this episode offers a different way forward — one that protects your values without punishing you, helps you respond to hard moments with steadiness instead of shame, and models something powerful for your children: that worth isn’t earned by getting everything right.
What You Will Learn in This Episode
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How to tell the difference between healthy striving and the kind of perfectionism that quietly wears you down
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The subtle signs that perfectionism is shaping your thoughts, reactions, and self-talk
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Why parenting starts to feel heavy and joyless when everything turns into self-evaluation
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Practical ways to interrupt the inner critic without lowering your standards or expectations
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How showing yourself grace after hard moments teaches your children emotional safety and resilience
Research Quoted
Scientific American Article (Francine Russo) “How Perfectionism Hurts Parents and Their Kids”: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-perfectionism-hurts-parents-and-their-kids/
Perfectionism & Parental Identity — Piotrowski (2020) Psychologica Belgica, 60(1), 55–72: https://doi.org/10.5334/pb.492
Transcript
Hello, friends, and welcome back to the Leadership Parenting Podcast. I am super excited that you’re here with me today. And I just want to say welcome if this is the first time that you’ve found us and you’re part of this awesome community of moms now that we have, following these resilience principles, learning how to be happier, more joyful, more powerful in our lives.
That’s what we’re doing here as we study resilience in our Leadership Parenting community.
And today I have something I’m excited to share with you. I recently read an article by Francine Russo, and I’ll put a link to the article if you’re interested in reading it. It was in Scientific American, and it really resonated with me. I mean, I actually set it down to sit with it for a minute because it really put language to something that I have been watching in the moms that I work with for 30 years—and honestly, something that I know what it feels like myself.
So I’d really like to take our time together today to share it with you. And then I want to unpack what it means for us practically and personally, in a way that I hope can actually help you out—that you could take with you and apply to your life.
I will put links to the research we talk about and that are referenced in this episode in the show notes if you want to go deeper. Everything will be right there for you under this episode number. So you can go to my website, leegerman.com, look up this episode, and you will find the link to the research and the article that I’m talking about.
The title of this article was How Parents Can Be Kinder to Themselves and Avoid Perfectionism.
Okay. Pretty intriguing, yes? Because I think there are some buzzwords in there—very key words for us as moms that are so important for us to pay attention to.
First: how can we be kinder to ourselves? It is the power to really help us do the work we’re doing. And it’s so counterintuitive. And avoid perfectionism. My goodness, there’s the powerhouse phrase right there. I’m always a little skeptical when I see so much promised in an article, but I think the author, Francine Russo, did a really great job reviewing some of the research and talking about some concepts that I want to bring to you.
This article covers research led by psychologist Conrad Piotrowski—who has spent years studying perfectionism specifically in parents. Not just as a personality trait in general, but what it actually does to us in the role of a mom or a dad. What his research found is that perfectionism in parents isn’t just one thing—it actually has two sides.The researchers call them by very specific names that I love. This is the part that I had never heard before in all my training on perfectionism and self-criticism and self-compassion. This is what got me excited to share it with you.
They use two terms: strivings and concerns.These come directly from the research literature to describe the two distinct dimensions of perfectionism.And here’s why I love these terms so much: they don’t just tell us perfectionism is bad—stop it. We’ve got lots of messages like that. But don’t you find that that feels like a trap? Like, are we not supposed to strive for good things? How do we strive without tipping into the dark side?
These two terms separate out what’s happening inside of us. They show us that one part is worth protecting—and one part is not. Strivings are the healthy part. The drive. The high standards you have as a mom. The genuine investment in being a good parent. That part comes from your values. It comes from caring. It comes from commitment. And we don’t want to get rid of that.
I’ll admit—I think I fall on the side of perfectionism far more than I do not. But it’s because I care deeply. I have a genuine investment in being a good parent. And I know you do too. I’ve had thousands of conversations with moms like you. You feel strongly about your role and your responsibility. So when someone says, “Stop being so perfectionistic,” it can feel like they’re asking us to stop caring. But the shadow side of striving is what they call concerns.
Concerns are the part that makes perfectionism heavy. It’s the self-doubt. The fear of falling short. The constant measuring against standards we may never reach. The inner voice that says we’re not enough—even when we’ve given everything we have.
Piotrowski’s research found that parents whose perfectionism was weighted more toward concerns experienced greater uncertainty, dissatisfaction, and even regret about becoming a parent—not because they don’t love their kids, but because those concerns were stealing the joy out of what they care about most. That’s the real definition of perfectionism: when the concerns outweigh the strivings.
Our goal is this: keep the strivings while reducing the concerns.
Yes to the drive. No to the self-punishment.
Study after study shows that one of the biggest risk factors for parental burnout is the drive to be a flawless parent—especially when combined with social pressure and our own self-doubt. Moms who already feel like they’re not doing well enough are more vulnerable to outside pressure. Moms with stronger self-esteem in their parenting role are more protected. What we believe about ourselves on the inside shapes how much outside pressure can harm us. That’s powerful. That’s something we can work with. I believe moms are wired to care. We notice. We track. We plan. We think ahead. We worry. That is not a flaw. That is love in action.
But there’s a quiet shift that happens—from “I want to do a great job” to “I’m never going to be enough.” That shift—from striving to concern—is where perfectionism lives. And our culture is designed to keep us in the concerns. Social media highlight reels. Endless parenting advice. Comparison everywhere. When we drift into concerns, it feels discouraging. Heavy. Draining.
Here are signs to watch for:
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One rough moment reframes your entire day. You snap at bedtime and suddenly you’re the worst mom ever.
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You deflect compliments because your brain goes straight to what isn’t working.
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You constantly measure yourself against other moms—or an imaginary “perfect” version of yourself.
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You see your kids struggling to feel like they’re enough—even when they’re doing well.
Our self-doubt can quietly be handed down. Learning to recognize and disrupt perfectionism in ourselves is some of the most important parenting work we can do.
So what do we do? First, notice: if you struggle with perfectionism, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means you care. Think of it like a coin. One side is strivings—all that caring. The other side is concerns. Perfectionism means we’re more focused on the concerns than the strivings. When you catch yourself in that spiral—“I’m a bad mom, I should have done better”—don’t analyze. Regulate. Calm your nervous system. Then think: I’ve just veered over the line. Like when you’re driving and you drift slightly out of your lane—you correct.
Bring in self-compassion. Self-compassion says: Of course I’m feeling critical. I care deeply. And then it asks: What do I want to do now? Shame never moves us forward. The path is acknowledgment, repair if needed, and then letting it go.
Self-compassion is one of the five pillars of resiliency because it speaks directly to this inner struggle between what we love and how we judge ourselves.
It’s not about caring less. It’s about carrying less. We don’t need the dark taskmaster to love better or be better. Protect yourself. Choose which expectations to carry and which to set down.
Remember the two jobs of parenting:
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Unconditional love – making sure your kids know they are safe, seen, and matter just because they exist.
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Teaching and guiding – helping them grow.
Perfectionism makes us judge ourselves on job two and forget job one.
It turns parenting into a performance evaluation instead of a lifelong relationship. Perfectionism doesn’t protect us. It steals joy. Parents who held onto their strivings while quieting their concerns developed more realistic and sustainable expectations over time. It’s not about caring less. It’s about carrying less of the load. So imagine that coin. One side says perfectionism. The other says I care.
Flip it. Most of the time now, I keep it care-side up. You can too. You’re enough. Look to the light. Reach for what gives you hope and energy. Your kids are lucky to have you.
Alright, friend—that’s what I’ve got for you today. All the research is linked in the show notes. Take what’s helpful, leave the rest, and remember: you’re doing so much better than you think.
I’ll see you next week. Take care.
If you enjoyed this episode, please consider sharing it with others or leaving a rating or review. The Leadership Parenting Podcast is for general information purposes only. It is not therapy and should not replace meeting with a qualified mental health professional. It is not intended to diagnose or treat any condition and is not legal, medical, or therapeutic advice. Please consult your doctor or mental health professional for your individual circumstances. Thanks again and take care.