Do you feel like you’re doing it alone during the holidays, or maybe even feel like you fight more during what is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year? Well, you’re not alone. The holidays often bring stress that weighs heavily on our closest relationships. But we’re here today to get ahead of that.
There are actually some things you can do to stay connected to your partner so you can approach the holidays as a team. In this episode, you’ll get some great ideas for staying close even amidst the chaos.
What you will learn on this episode:
- How to transform holiday stress into opportunities for deeper connection with your partner.
- Get questions designed to spark meaningful conversations with your partner.
- Learn how to anticipate holiday stressors and work as a team to maintain harmony.
- Understand the significance of setting the tone for teamwork and committing to each other during holidays.
- Get practical tips on how to address stressors and prevent resentment from building up.
TRANSCRIPT
*This transcription below was provided for you or your convenience; please excuse any mistakes that the automated service made in translation.
Do you feel like you’re doing it alone during the holidays, or maybe even feel like you’re fighting more with your partner during what is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year? Well, you’re not alone. The holidays often bring stress that weigh heavily on our closest relationships, but we’re here today to get ahead of that. This is Leadership Parenting. Episode 71, how to Be on the Same Team with your Partner During the Holidays. Episode 71, how to be on the same team with your partner during the holidays. Did you know that resilience is the key to confidence and joy? As moms, it’s what we want for our kids, but it’s also what we need for ourselves. My name is Leigh German, I’m a therapist and I’m a mom. Join me as we explore the skills you need to know to be confident and joyful. Then get ready to teach these skills to your kids. This is Leadership Parenting, where you learn how to lead your family by showing them the way. Hi everyone, happy to be back with you guys today. Hi everyone, I’m happy to be back with you guys today.
This month, I’ve decided to focus our episodes around how we can prepare to handle the holidays and some of the challenges they bring, and I hope this doesn’t come across as a downer to anyone. I just spend so much time talking with women every day about the challenges in their lives, and during the holidays I’m hearing very common themes running through my sessions with people, and the way I look at my job is I’m hearing very common themes running through my sessions with people, and the way I look at my job is that I’m a bit of a data gatherer. I get all of these data points in my one-on-one meetings with people and then I realize that I’m actually seeing some patterns, so much so that I’ve been able to anticipate them. And when that happens, I feel like when we can anticipate problems or anticipate themes, we can start to get ahead of them. So you notice how that happens for you sometimes when you watch your kids, their behavior, and you start to see those signs that mean something to you, like they’re tired or they’re frustrated, don’t you just know that some things are going to happen when you’re traveling and everyone’s out of their routine and sleep is different, or that maybe even you and your spouse might have some big feelings that come up or be like not quite as equipped to deal with those feelings when you’re low on sleep or you’re out of your normal routine. So I think you guys probably, if you realize it or not, you’re data gatherers also, and the reason why this is important is that it allows us to work with those expectations that we have is that it allows us to work with those expectations that we have, to work with that window of expectation, like we’ve talked about, so you can enlarge it and make more room for the kinds of things that might come up during stressful experiences.
Well, the holidays are no different. They’re such a special time, but they can also bring stress and tension, especially in our relationships, because it’s really easy to get caught up in all the things that we have to do and those expectations that we have inside. So today we’re focusing on how to stay connected with your partner through all of this, and this episode isn’t about having the perfect plan or kind of having the perfect relationship through the holidays. I’m really wanting to focus just basically on how you can strengthen your bond by understanding each other’s needs and supporting one another and literally working as a team. So let’s start out with just the basics.
03:17
Why can the holidays feel so hard? And I want you to take a second and think of why that might be in your experience. I find that a lot of it has to do with us just plain being depleted in our resources, like we’re not getting enough sleep, we’re not on our normal exercise routine, sometimes we’re not eating the way we normally do. Just those routines fall to the wayside during the season and when we’re tired or out of balance it is much harder to handle stress, it’s much harder to navigate our emotions and even regulate our emotions. And I think another thing that’s happening is we’re probably also trying to accommodate other people.
03:56
At the holidays we’re hosting guests or we’re visiting relatives. We are the guests and we’re often juggling these expectations, multiple expectations, and oftentimes that leaves little room for our own needs, which is really kind of noble, isn’t it? When we try to kind of put ourselves second in the name of a common good or a bigger purpose and I’m all for that. I think that’s really part of the beauty of gathering together is having that generosity that we feel. But oftentimes we can feel a little bit depleted and as we put ourselves second to a lot of these other bigger goals, we might find that we’re not expressing our emotions. In an effort to keep the peace, we might hold back those feelings and oftentimes those feelings can build up and lead to frustration or conflict and, without even realizing it, I think these pressures can create distance between you and your spouse. So many of my families find that they are actually fighting more during the holidays, so much that many have stopped looking forward to the holidays, and I really think that there’s some things we can do to get ahead of this so we all feel much better during our holiday time together. Basically, the holidays are much easier for all of us in our families when we approach them with a spirit of partnership.
05:14
So here are a few ideas to help you and your partner face the holidays as a team. Number one recognize that the holidays are different than other times of the year. Well, dudley, I know that that’s true, but I don’t know if you guys realize that we just kind of take this in stride and we don’t always make it an explicit understanding between us. We don’t plan for this to happen, but the holidays really do come and kind of hijack our normal life. All the expectations are different and that’s part of what makes them so special, right, but it’s also what throws us off. We eat more, we spend more, we stay up later, we travel more, we expect that things will feel more special than at other times of the year. So I think step one is to acknowledge that we are headed into the holiday zone and that’s okay. It’s just going to require more communication and more grace and understanding, a widening of our expectations, probably a lot more patience, and so to think that it’s not a setup for conflict. It’s going to actually set us up for conflict. So let’s just call it, let’s just say the holidays can still be really good, but it’s going to be a bit crazy. We need more focus on how we’re going to get through it together. Number two let’s explicitly set the tone for teamwork and commit to each other A simple phrase like I care about how you’re feeling and I want us to face this holiday time together.
06:46
I think that can make all the difference. Now, do you find that that’s a little mushy for you? I don’t know, it sounds like it could be a little bit melodramatic. I think at can make all the difference. Now, do you find that that’s a little mushy for you? I don’t know, it sounds like it could be a little bit melodramatic. I think at the holiday times, you guys, we need that. We need it to be explicit, we need reminders that we’re on the same side, and oftentimes I think we feel quite alone at the holidays. We want to make sure it’s not about one person carrying the load while the other person watches. We want to make sure it’s not about one person carrying the load while the other person watches. We want to face it as a team.
07:14
Now, this can be challenging, because each of us have our own ideas of how things should look, and that actually goes way back into each of your own childhoods. So you may not agree on everything, and oftentimes what happens is the partner that has the strongest feelings about something is the one who takes the biggest load in getting those things done. And you need to talk about that, because it’s easy for one partner to feel alone, or one partner to feel completely disregarded and not included. So the commitment I’m asking you to make is not a holiday plan commitment, but a commitment to each other, because at the end of the season, the holidays are going to go and you and your spouse are still going to be together. Your connection and closeness are much more important than any holiday plan. So let’s just acknowledge that and literally say that to each other out loud.
08:03
Okay, step three, let’s talk about what feels hard. You know, a lot of times we just assume that we’re going to go in and do the hard thing and we feel obligated. I’m going to go visit your family and there’s some things about that are really hard and I’m not allowed to talk about that or else I’m going to hurt your feelings or it’s going to seem like I’m disloyal and you guys. We have to be able to talk about these things and I think we need to talk about it very respectfully, with a lot of honor, not with blaming, but to be able to express what are the things that are really difficult for us. And part of this can be gentled or we can ease into it by our partners asking us that question. You know, when you sit down and you say to your spouse what part of the holidays feel hardest for you, that’s an invitation for your spouse to open up and you kind of have to buckle up for that right.
08:58
You want to be able to hear what your spouse has to say, and if it just seems like no, I don’t want to hear it. Well, that is part of the problem. We’ve got to be able to hear the things that our spouses are feeling inside, so that we can be a team with them about it. You want to find out what’s stressing them out the most. Is it the travel? Is it the hosting? Is it the shopping? Is it the finances? Is it the family dynamics that happen? You know, one of you might find hosting guests very overwhelming, while the other feels more anxious about shopping for gifts. And when you name these challenges, you can start to offer each other support and understanding and maybe even start to separate the tasks in a way that feel more natural to you.
09:40
So once again, I’m going to note that we want to not take offense and not give offense during these kinds of conversations. There’s a gentle way to say I’m getting really stressed out when I’m around your family and there’s a harsh and critical way to say that. And this is one of the reasons why we don’t talk about things and we let them build up and boil up and we get resentful and then we blow up and a lot of hurtful things come out. And that’s what I’m dealing with a lot of times in my sessions with couples is all of that resentment and that buildup that happened that the other partner kind of feels like he got or she got surprised by. So we want to try to get ahead of this and talk about what’s hard in a really respectful way. If we can’t talk about these things with each other, then it makes sense that the holidays are going to feel kind of like an assault, forcing us to deal with stuff we don’t want to deal with. So, gently, have that talk and let’s not judge it. Let’s not say you shouldn’t feel that way or that’s silly. Let’s really listen and ask more questions to try to understand. And the reason why we’re doing all of this is so that we can do the next step, which is to support each other. Once you know what feels hard, you want to focus on how you can support each other and have a conversation about what might help you both through that busy time.
10:58
Last year my husband and I did this. We had everyone here for Thanksgiving last year and before they all arrived, my husband and I talked about how weird it is that we actually spent such little time together when all our kids came home. I mean, we have a wonderful time when they’re all here, but at the end of the day, we often feel very disconnected from each other and I can totally see why we’re running around making sure everyone’s getting fed and is sleeping comfortably and we’ve got eight or nine kids running around and needing diaper changes and snacks and naps and I’m trying to get quality time with my kids one-on-one, and my husband and I are literally like ships passing in the night and that’s not how we normally live our lives. So as we had our conversation together, we agreed that we loved every minute of the chaos, so much that we’re a hundred percent committed to doing it every chance we get. But we as a couple still need to connect.
11:48
So before Thanksgiving last year, we decided that we were going to find each other each day and check in. I asked him explicitly to come and tell me he loved me and to give me a kiss, and he asked if I’d sit next to him on the couch and hold his hand. Little things we planned the big stuff, synced our calendars, divided up the tasks. I mean, we were actually preparing those tasks right now, because three weeks from now this whole same big crew is going to arrive for Christmas this year and I’m so excited about it and we’re already dividing the tasks up and that helps a lot, but the main thing for us in staying connected over the holidays are those little things, those little connections that help us feel close in the middle of the whirlwind.
12:29
So I want you to think for a second. What do you need in your relationship? What conversations have you had that worked for you in the past, and what conversations could you have that might help you this holiday season? If you’re not sure how to start these conversations, I’ve put together a few guiding questions that you can literally pull up on your phone or print out and bring to your discussion, where you both get to answer the questions. So here are a few things that you might talk about.
13:00
What feels most important to you this holiday season? What part of the holidays do you find the most stressful? What can I do to support you right now? What small things could we do to feel more connected, and how are you feeling today? Is there anything that you need from me Now? These are questions that you can ask each other before the holidays start, like right now, there are also ways for you to check in in the moment, during all of the chaos. You know, what can I do to support you right now? My goodness, if your spouse comes up to you and says that to you hi, honey, how are you doing today? How’s your stress level? What do you need from me? That’s a very vulnerable question. We hold a lot of power in our relationships. When you have a spouse that asks you that question, they’re really opening themselves up. So you want to handle that respectfully, right? You don’t want to just lay every concern on them and on their shoulders and have them try to take it all over for you. But when you start to think about I have a spouse here that’s noticing, that’s asking me, that’s stepping in and saying literally, kind of, or figuratively grabbing your hand and saying, hey, I’m here with you. What do you need? That goes a really long way to getting through a stressful holiday time. So you can get really practical about specifics, about what’s you know. That first question what feels most important to you this holiday season? That’s going to help you prioritize the most important things you guys want to focus on. So hopefully you can let go of a lot of the other things that sometimes make our schedules just way too packed. So I really want to invite you to listen to episode 71 from last week to help you design a plan for your holidays that actually work for you, that feel good to you. There’s an exercise in there that I call the holiday whiteboard that will help you and your spouse sit down and really put together a plan that feels good to you guys.
14:58
That next question what part of the holidays do you find the most stressful? This is an invitation to put a plan together for how you’re going to handle the things that are hardest for you. For example, if your partner feels overwhelmed by cooking, you could step in to help with prep or take over another task entirely. You might even decide to decrease the amount of cooking over the holidays and do take out in a lot of different situations or buy some prepared things. Like when you guys put your heads together around these issues and you’re supportive of each other, you can really problem solve a lot of the things that feel heavy to you.
15:35
So these check-ins aren’t just about logistics. They’re really about emotional connection. It’s a way we can practice being generous with each other, because when we get stressed, it’s so easy to take it out on the people we feel the safest with, and that’s usually our spouse. That’s why it’s so important for us to practice generosity, not just with our gifts in the holidays, but with our patience, with our kindness, with our empathy. And I know it might be just one of you listening to this episode, but when you have this conversation with your spouse, where you’re being collaborative, where you’re inviting them to be part of this planning process, what you’re doing is you’re committing to be in this together, and I think that is actually the mantra of the holiday season. We are in this together. If both of you can be reminding yourself of that and reminding each other of that when you’re feeling frustrated or overwhelmed, it’s going to help bring so much peace and grace to your family in general. So this was a quick episode. I know you’re busy at this time of year, so I just wanted to pop in, wanted to put this little idea in your ear at this busy time of year to remind you that you are not crazy, you’re not losing it. Your marriage is probably perfectly fine. It’s just that the big demands of this holiday can cause us way more stress than we realize. So hopefully we know it’s coming, we have a plan for it and next week I will be back to talk a little bit about how to prepare your kids to have a holiday that’s more grounded and steady. So take care of yourselves during this busy time and I will see you all next week. Take care. You can always find me on Instagram at Lee German, or on my website at leegermancom.
17:20
The Leadership Parenting Podcast is for general information purposes only. It is not therapy and should not take the place of meeting with a qualified mental health professional. The information on this podcast is not intended to diagnose or treat any condition, illness or disease. It’s also not intended to be legal, medical or therapeutic advice. Please consult your doctor or mental health professional for your individual circumstances. Thanks again and take care.