Navigating life’s hardships comes with the added challenge of deciding what to share with others. Whether you’re facing job loss, health concerns, or family difficulties, questions from others can feel intrusive and overwhelming. In this episode, I introduce a powerful framework called The Four Levels of Response, designed to help you know exactly what to say—and what not to say—depending on who’s asking.
At the heart of this episode is a powerful four-layer framework that puts you back in control of your narrative. You’ll discover how to create different levels of response for various people in your life—from your innermost circle to casual acquaintances. This isn’t about being secretive or deceptive; it’s about being intentional with your truth and protecting your emotional energy. This episode offers a transformative approach to handling these sensitive conversations with confidence and grace.
What you will learn in this episode:
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Why having a plan reduces anxiety when faced with sensitive questions.
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The four levels of response—from private clarity to polite boundaries with strangers.
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How to use the Sandwich Method to say “no” kindly but firmly.
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How to hold your ground with the Broken Record technique when people push.
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Real-life scripts for moms navigating difficult situations.
Transcript
Hi friends, so happy to be with you guys again today. You know there was something that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, how, as moms, we’re constantly navigating this balance between being authentic and truthful and also protecting our privacy and our peace. I’ve had a couple of experiences this past month with some women who are going through some really hard things, and this has been one of the things that we’ve spent time talking about how do I handle, how I explain to people some of the hard things? Here’s one particular kind of summary of a question. A mom came to me and she said something very private happened in my family and I feel really embarrassed for people to know about it. I definitely do not want to share with everyone. I don’t want to feel judged. Not want to share with everyone. I don’t want to feel judged. How do I relate the appropriate amount of information without making other people feel bad or left out? I’m really stuck. So my first response this just hits me right in the heart because it’s such a real and tender place to be, and I think everyone knows what it feels like to be in this situation when things are happening that we can’t always control.
2:12
Sometimes it’s our spouse loses a job, or we lose a job, we are having health challenges, or someone in our family is maybe your teenager makes a mistake that affects the whole family, or you might be making a decision for your family or your child or you that others don’t understand, and it can cause us to feel a little bit exposed when we think about sharing information. It could be hard to know how to do that, like we’re really vulnerable. We have to figure out what to do and then we have to figure out what we’re going to say and how we’re going to share it with others when people ask questions and they will ask questions, right, because people generally care about us and they are often curious and interested and when we get questions, I think it’s very normal for our heart to kind of race and our mind gets scrambled up and wonder what do I even say? How much is too much information? How little makes me seem standoffish or closed off to them. We’ve all been there that feeling of being caught off guard or stumbling over our words and then replaying the conversation for hours afterwards wishing we had handled it differently. Well, that’s what I’d like to talk about today how to get clear on what it is you think and how you can control your narrative with confidence. And a narrative just means how you narrate what’s going on in your life, right, it’s not that you’re making something up, it’s how you convey the information with confidence, and I want you to know that by the end of this episode, I’m going to have given you some practical tools that I think will help you walk into any conversation feeling prepared and, hopefully, more confident and peaceful. And before we get into the how-to, I just want you to understand why this skill is so, so crucial for us.
4:00
First, not just for moms, but as for all people and I’ve used this formula that I’ve I’ve developed with people of all ages that have a difficulty communicating to the world around them the things that are going on in their lives. So the reason why I want you to understand that this is crucial is because when we’re caught off guard and fumbling for words, we often end up either oversharing, telling people more than we intended because we’re nervous or, I don’t know, maybe sometimes we just want support, or we don’t know how to not do it. We either overshare or we shut down completely, and that can seem really kind of cold or unfeeling or just, you know, like not part of our community, and I think the bottom line is neither of these things serves us very well. Secondly, as mothers, we’re modeling for our children how to handle difficult conversations, because they are going to have them too. They already do have them, and when we can navigate these moments with more confidence and more grace, we’re going to show our kids that it’s possible to be both honest and hold boundaries. And third, and I think this is really important when we control our narrative, we protect our mental and emotional energy. Instead of spending hours afterwards wondering what people will think or feeling exposed and raw, we can move forward knowing we handled the situation as per plan, exactly as we wanted to. So what does that mean to control your narrative? I want you to think of it like this Imagine you had your own personal PR team and big figures in entertainment and government and public life.
5:47
They have PR teams that sit around a table and craft what they’re going to tell the public. Now, if you had your own PR team, their job would be to help you get really clear on what you actually believe about your situation, and then they would help you create different versions of your situation or your story for different audiences, and they would equip you with words to say that you could say with calmness, not panic. And then they would help you redirect the conversation when the people you’re talking to want to go places that you don’t want them to go, and that’s the boundary part. So, when you know your layers of response ahead of time, you walk into conversations feeling calm and prepared instead of anxious and cornered, and what I find is that if we don’t have a plan, if we don’t feel prepared, a lot of times what I see is that people withdraw and you might notice this in yourself or in other people that you love when you or someone else is going through a really hard time because we don’t know quite how to explain things or even let some people in and keep some people out Because we don’t know how to do that.
7:05
We often default to letting no one in and going nowhere and not coming out of our houses and not talking to people and ultimately not getting the kind of love and support that we really need to have. Because that’s what gets us through these hard things, you guys, is having the right people in our lives with us, helping us and supporting us. You want to be that right person for someone. You’re not going to be that right person for everyone, but you want to be that right person for someone that they can call and they can give you the fully unvarnished version of whatever’s going on in their life and they know you’re safe enough to hold that and help them and walk with them in that If you as the person that’s going through the hard time doesn’t know how to tell the difference between who is safe and who’s not safe, and who you want to share with and who you don’t want to share with, and how to kind of manage that, then it’s very, very common that we just don’t share it with anyone, and that’s not good for us.
8:04
Now I know some of you might be thinking or at least I’ve had this pushback before but isn’t this being fake or manipulative If you have a PR team telling you what you should say and I hear you but here’s the thing this is not about lying or being deceptive or telling a false story. This is about being intentional with your truth. You get to decide how much of your story to share and when to share it and with whom. That’s not manipulation, that is wisdom. So I want to walk you through the four layers and I want to give you some real examples that I know many of you may be able to relate to, either for yourself or for somebody that you know. So the very first level is your private clarity. This is the deepest level. This is the story that you tell yourself. This is where you get to decide what this means about you, whatever’s happening right, your family, your future. This is where you choose to be at peace instead of panicking, and this might take a while, because you need to be able to sort through the details and listen to the thoughts and the messages that you have in your mind. And what we want to do is anchor in truth instead of getting swept up into that shame or fear, and our thoughts can really spiral into negative cycles when we get caught up in this.
9:29
This is inner work. I would say this is probably 50% of what I do every day is help women sort through the kinds of stories that they have in their mind about what’s going on in their life, and the truth is it really doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks. If you know what you know, you are going to be okay. When you don’t know what you know and you’re really worried about what everybody else knows or thinks or what you think they think or what you think they know, it’s very hard to feel like you’re okay. You just are untethered from yourself. So this is inner work, and it’s normal to feel kind of shaky and uncertain in conversations when you haven’t done this work, but when you’re clear about what you believe about your situation, then that clarity literally becomes your foundation and your anchor. Here’s an example. Let’s say your husband just lost his job.
10:24
Level one may sound like this Remember level one is your private clarity. This is hard and it’s scary, but it doesn’t define us. We are a strong family. We’ve navigated challenges before and this actually could open doors we have not even considered. We will get through this together, one step at a time. Okay, notice, this isn’t toxic positivity. We’re acknowledging that it’s hard and that it could be scary, but we’re also choosing to frame it in a way that empowers rather than victimizes.
10:54
Okay, level two this is an inner circle. These are for the people closest to you. What would you say to your spouse or your best friend or your mom or your sister? These are the people who get the fuller picture, because you want and need their support. But even here, you still decide how much detail is right and you can set boundaries around how you want that support to look. And I think this is especially important as mothers, when we are dealing with things that our children are going through, that we’ve got to remember that it’s not just our story to tell, it’s also their story to tell and we want to have presence of mind around that and be protective over their privacy. So you might have a child that got into trouble at school for something and they’ve been asked to sit out of school for a period of time and you’re going to have worked on your own ideas about what that means, that this is not kind of a permanent life sentence for your child, that everybody goes through ups and downs and that this is a learning experience and that you’re going to get through it together. That would be your level one.
12:02
But your level two your inner circle there will be people in your life that you want to tell and that will know that your kiddo is at home when they normally are at school and you might want to share with them details up to the point that you feel comfortable. I need you to know what’s happening so you could support our family. Our kiddo has done something at school that’s required him to take some time and not allowed to go back to school. I don’t feel comfortable sharing exactly what that is right now, but I just wanted you to know because we could really use your love and support. He’s feeling pretty bad about it and I just know how important you are to him and I’d love for you to be in his life in a way that could be really supportive to him. Now maybe you choose to tell them exactly what happened, because these are your inner circle people. Show up to our closest people without shame and guilt and let them into the level that is appropriate that we can get that support from them.
13:01
Level three this might be for people you interact with regularly but aren’t in your inner circle Neighbors, parents at school, people at church, extended family members that you only see occasionally. This is where you’re going to give them a warm but brief explanation and maybe even a gentle redirect to move the conversation in a different direction. So maybe you’ve decided to homeschool that child because they were struggling with behavior or anxiety not thriving in traditional school, and when other parents ask why you made the switch to homeschooling, you might say it’s what’s working best for our family. Right now, every kid is different. How are things going for Sarah in her new grade? So this would be what you would share with people that really it’s not their business to know all the details. Does that feel rude? To say it’s not rude. You guys, it is not your business to know everything about everybody and it is not everybody’s business to know everything about you and your family. You get to decide who’s in the inner circles and who are not, and you don’t have to tell them that. You just adjust your narrative, what you’re going to share, accordingly and notice the redirect at the end. There’s not a pause where there’s more room for someone to ask another question. There’s a very general statement Well, this is what’s working best for our family right now. Every kid is different. You know I love that. That little bit like this is common knowledge, don’t you agree? And then you redirect. How are things going for Sarah in her new grade? You acknowledge their question, you gave a brief but kind response. You affirmed that different families make different choices and then redirected to ask about something about them or those look like great brownies, let’s go get one.
14:50
Whatever redirects, this keeps the conversation friendly while protecting your privacy. Okay, one more level level four strangers, casual conversations. This is for people who don’t need details at all, and this could include distant relatives you see once a year, or people that are just acquaintances you ran into at the store, or new people right. Here is your response it’s polite, it’s brief and it’s final. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Let’s go back to. If your husband lost his job. A distant cousin at Thanksgiving says so what’s John doing for work now? And you can smile and say, oh, he’s exploring some new opportunities. Thanks for asking How’s your job going. And then you’re done. You’ve been polite, you’ve acknowledged their question and you’ve redirected. So now that you understand the four layers, I want you basically to understand that you get to have layers right. So I laid out four of them.
15:50
Let me give you some specific techniques for those moments when people are pushing for more information or when you just internally feel pressured to share more than you’re comfortable with. The first one is a common one that you’ve probably heard of. It’s called the sandwich method. This is perfect when someone asks something that feels invasive, but you can kind of tell what they mean, like they mean. Well, you sandwich your boundary between two statements that are very kind. So it’s like the soft bread, the hard meat, and then the soft bread, so the soft part. Thanks so much for asking. That’s really thoughtful of you. And then here’s the meat, the boundary. I’d rather not go into details right now, close, soft, but I really appreciate your concern. This acknowledges their good intentions but still firmly protects your privacy.
16:48
Okay, next technique broken record technique. If someone keeps pressing you after you’ve given your level, any level, three, four response but what happened, why? What’s the real story? Do you have a friend like that? She can’t help herself, right? She just wants more details. You calmly repeat your phrase, maybe with a little variation, but you don’t add new details. This is what’s called the broken record. Right In the old days, when there used to be LP, vinyl records, if there was a scratch or skip on it, the needle would just replay the same place over and over and over again. So it would sound like this we’re taking it one step at a time. Like I said, we’re figuring out next steps. It’s what’s working for our family right now and if they push some more, you’d say well, that’s how steps work, one step at a time. I really can’t tell you the next one. We’re not there yet. The key is to say it with the same calm, kind energy each time, without getting defensive or annoyed, even if you kind of feel that way inside. Just stick to your script.
17:48
A lot of times when we’re talking with people, we feel an obligation to answer what they’re asking us. And you have no obligation, clearly none. Okay, Another one. We call it the appreciative redirect. Sometimes people keep asking questions, not because they’re nosy, but because they want to help or they think showing interest means they care. That’s our benevolent assumption. In these cases you can acknowledge their heart while still redirecting, and it’s a little bit like the sandwich. You can hear it. I can tell you’re concerned. That means so much. Right now, what would help most is your prayers or your friendship. Tell me, here’s the redirect. Tell me what’s going on with your family. I’d love to hear how Jake is doing at college. So sometimes when I have to do this, I’ll actually kind of reach out and take their hand. Oh, thank you for being so worried about me. This means so much, but right now I’m just not at a place where I can go into that. But I would appreciate your prayers, or it means a lot just to get to see you and talk about something else. As a matter of fact, will you tell me how that trip was to Mexico that you guys went on, or whatever? Whatever you can think of, find something to redirect.
19:03
I think we really face so many layers of social pressure, definitely from our family members, that we do feel are a little bit in our inner circles and they sometimes feel like they have a say in things that really they probably don’t right, often questioning parenting choices, or even other parents comparing everything from how we do bedtimes to what we do for activities, and even strangers can come up and give unsolicited advice in the grocery store. And definitely then we have social media that puts us into comparison with other people. Even though maybe everyone doesn’t know it, we do that ourselves. So when you add a challenging situation on top of all that normal pressure whether it’s a job loss or something with our children or our marriage struggling a little bit or a family crisis it could really feel overwhelming. But here’s what I’ve learned when you’ve done the work to decide what you believe about your situation, what you’re going to share and how you will say it, you’re no longer at the mercy of everyone else’s questions or opinions.
20:11
You hold the power. You get to choose how much emotional energy you spend on other people’s curiosity or judgment or need for information, and that is not selfish. That is a wise stewardship of your heart and of your energy. So let’s talk, before we close, just about a few more scenarios, because I inevitably get people with a little bit of a blank stare like saying, okay, but how does this work for my situation? And I don’t know that we’ll hit your exact situation as an example, but I think going through a few more might help.
20:45
Okay, when someone says you can tell me, you know that person right, they lean in and say come on, you can tell me, I won’t tell anyone. Your response can be I know you would keep it private and I appreciate that. I’m just not ready to talk about it yet. You don’t have to justify why you’re not ready. If you have family members that feel entitled to information, I think it’s really hard because family dynamics are kind of difficult sometimes. So I think you can say I know your family and you care, but I need to handle this on my own right now or in our own way right now. I hope you can respect that and sometimes people will hear a little bit of information and fill in the blanks with their own assumptions, and you don’t have to correct everything. You can simply say there’s more to this story, but I would like to keep that private right now, and if you’ve overshared and that happens to all of us you’re caught off guard. You’re emotional.
21:37
Before you know it, you said more than you intended. I think first you need to be gentle with yourself. Then, if it’s someone you trust, you could say look, I shared more than I probably should have. I’d appreciate it if you could keep that between us while I figure out how I want to handle this. I’m hoping you’re starting to see and that you have more power and choice in how you navigate this and how you communicate this. I want you to feel empowered. I think it’s great to actually practice this. So I want you to think about something tender in your life right now, maybe something you’re currently navigating or that you’re worried might come up in a conversation, that you need to use some wisdom in how you’re going to share information. And then I want you to write out those four levels of response.
22:22
Level one what’s the story you’re telling yourself? This is, hands down, the most important one and truly, if you get this one clear in your mind, then all the rest is going to be much easier. It really won’t matter what other people think. So we want to focus on what you believe about the situation, how you’re choosing to frame it in a way that gives you the strength and the peace and the confidence that you need. Level two what would you share with your closest people? First off, maybe, who are your closest people and what would you share with them? And then I want you to be thinking about, when you share with someone, maybe what’s the support you need from them, and even consider how you might ask them for support. My guess is that people really close to you are going to want to offer that.
23:09
Level three I want you to craft one or two sentences that are going to serve as your script, a response for the next level of people in your life, like acquaintances or friends, people that really you care about but are not in the inner circle, and how you can acknowledge their question kindly while protecting your privacy. That’s going to be your goal. I just want you to write those things down. That’s going to be your goal. I just want you to write those things down. And level four would be what’s your polite but brief response for casual conversations? And so, when you start to realize that you have this choice and you have a plan, it is going to really help you feel confident.
23:52
And once you’ve written them out, I then want you to practice saying them out loud, because writing them is one thing, thinking about them is one thing, writing them out is the next thing, and then saying them out loud is even more of a commitment. And I know it might feel silly, but when you’re caught off guard in real life, having practiced these words will be such a gift to you. So what we’re painting a picture of here is that, when you really master it, you can walk into your child’s school function or a family gathering or a social event, knowing that you have a clear and kind response, prepared for any question that might come up. And instead of that anxious feeling of I hope no one asks me about whatever, you can feel calm instead and really prepared and not worrying all day about what you’ll say if someone brings it up. And hopefully that means you’ll go to the event right, because otherwise we tend to stay home because we just don’t want to have to face that situation.
24:42
And then, when you go home and you’re replaying the conversations, wondering if you said too much or too little, you can know that you said what you had prepared to say and that you don’t need to give it any more thought. That’s the gift of controlling your narrative. It gives you back a sense of control and your own energy. So here’s your takeaway. I want you to really hear this. Your story is yours. You get to decide who hears it, how much they hear and when they hear it. And it’s not being secretive, it’s not shame filled, it’s not being difficult, it’s just wisdom and the truth. You get to be both authentic and boundaried. You get to be both kind and protective of your own heart and the stories in your family. So this week I challenge you to think about something tender in your life right now.
25:26
Practice creating your four layers of response. Write them out, say them out loud, notice how it feels to have that preparation. And if you want some help with that, go into the show notes leighgermancom under podcast for this episode, and you can download a little list of these four levels and layers of response with a little worksheet that goes with them, so that you can practice this. Maybe I’ll put a few examples in there as well. You can practice this. Maybe I’ll put a few examples in there as well.
25:57
Remember, confidence doesn’t come from having a perfect situation. None of us have that Confidence comes from owning your power and your truth and choosing how you want to move forward with it so that it protects you and it serves your family. I’d love to hear how this goes for you guys. So send me an email, lee at leegermancom. Even if you have a few questions about what you’re gonna say, send me your question. If I get enough of them that are similar, I’ll put it on another episode. Otherwise, I’ll just respond to you. Send me that email, lee at leegermancom. Go, download this little cheat sheet. I think it’ll really help you and it’ll give you something to teach your kids. It’ll really help them feel confident when they’re having tough times figuring out what to say. All right, that’s it for today. You guys, I love you all. I hope you have a really good week and I will talk to you next time. Take care, you can always find me on Instagram, at Lee German, or on my website at LeighGermann.com.
26:57
The Leadership Parenting Podcast is for general information purposes only. It is not therapy and should not take the place of meeting with a qualified mental health professional. The information on this podcast is not intended to diagnose or treat any condition, illness or disease. It’s also not intended to be legal treat any condition, illness or disease. It’s also not intended to be legal medical or therapeutic advice. Please consult your doctor or mental health professional for your individual circumstances. Thanks again and take care.